feeling off today,
things take time and i know that,
and when you make decisions you stick by them no matter what,
i was told that i needed to do that from now on and im doing it as best i can. its better for me and all invloved, i KNOW that.
its hard stuff and spending alot of time thinking to myself about myself, makes for weird thoughts.
ones own mind is a scary place at times.
i used to be a different person, thats easy to say, lots of people have changed and continue changing everyday. none of us are the same people we were last year, last week, yesterday. little changes may not be noticeable but they happen. we are not better or worse for these changes for the most part. we are just different.
i got some shit happening in my life, on a day to day basis im at a good point in my life and sometimes im not. i think about things ive done, should have done, did badly, did right, the good times, the bad times the times that unless i try really hard ive forgotten about. the people ive met, will meet, the ones i know, the ones i used to know the ones i want to know better, the ones i keep knowing the ones i want to forget the ones i get along with and the ones i dont see eye to eye with.
im a confused person. and thats not a normal thing for me.
i plot stuff out for the most part. i see the goal i see the start and i fill in the parts in the middle. when it falls apart i really try to recover and keep going. ive always thought that life is not so much what you do, but how you react to what happens to you.
* Should i wipe my ass with a rake?
people are there for help sometimes, this is true but as much as i like, love, enjoy being around and with people i for the life of me cringe at the thought of asking for help in the big issues of my life.
friends, 3 am in the morning you get a phone call and somebody says "i think i killed her" you recognize it as your friend. you say "calm down, now where we gonna hide the body"
ive thought that about my friends. yeah its a little exaggerating but im damn close, i really cherish being able to help my friends out. i mean jail is extreme, because i like the fact my butt hasnt been penetrated. you get two families in this life, the one you are born with and the ones you choose. i choose my friends and i have a lot of them. ive neglected you for a while because i wanted to get myself and my things taken care of. ive cut down to a small amount of friends to deal with during this. thats kind of bad, and so im reaching back out slowly to catch up to people. its hard, its awkward but im trying.
love, love is strange and mysterious and is powerful enough to do strange things to us. inside and out. it can talk to us at night and keep us awake. its been known to cause people to not eat, vision problems, headaches, leg aches every other ache in every other part of the body. now granted these are symptoms of alot of things, depression, ADD, uncontrollable falling down syndrome. but love does its share of causing these symptoms. loosing love i guess can have the same affect on a person. strange huh. how much love is enough, what kinds of love are there. is there too much love, that sounds like crap that cant be right.
fun, lots of things i do for fun. i game, tabletop and video games, made up games with the no good hound dog of mine. television and movies, music, which is one of my main escapes in my times of mess.
im playing games during the day because that cuts down on thinking about problems. i dont want to forget it all, i just want a sollution to come easier. one that will satisfy all sides.
that may not happen or be possible.
* physically you seem weak
happiness, im looking for, striving for, fighting for happiness. what is it? have i ever had it. i look back, forward and all around me and i see things that have made, are making will continue to make me happy. im greatful for those things. im sometimes surprised at what they are and where i find them.
but they exist and im glad things can make me happy. my happy level is ever changing. it hasnt been at the extreme limit for quite sometime. but it never goes negative or to a point where im done with it all.
ive spent alot of my life making and trying to make others happy. to hang out with kendrick is to have a good time to talk to him is to laugh til your stomach hurts. to feel better about your problems because he will offer advice and listen to you complain. why do this? does hearing other peoples problems really make somebody happy?
probably not, so again, why do it? it makes me happy for the most part to help people or to see people happy. its a dangerous prospect, therapist have been known to burnout after hearing so many problems and things from people. they quite often have their own therapists to help them out with the stress of it all.
* I want a pet singing lizard.
i used to get up for work in the morning as soon as the alarm went off. a few minutes before actually. id lay there and go over the day in my head, how i was getting to work, what i was having for breakfast.
lunch, what i was gonna learn today on the internet, what i was reading on lunch, what i was having for dinner what i was gonna..BEEP BEEP BEEP, alarm was off and i was up. im not a morning person, im a "get up and get awake cuz youre gonna have to do it anyway" person. so i get up and get into my mood. im not the same person back them im different and those thoughts and routines arent part of the day. i know that and dont mind it all. i mind that somedays i feel awkward and dont feel like getting up. cuz i didnt used to be like that.
* are you a cyborg?
its not to the point where i can never do anything or never get out of bed or get on with life. so im ok i think.
its about time to end the post.
ive said some rambling stuff, was anything accomlpished? was anything resolved. who knows. maybe maybe not, i cant for sure say my damned self.
i think this post is for me only.
its public, im not turning off comments, but i probably wont read any till after the next post i make at least.
you are not your job,
you are not your computer,
you are not your shoesize,
you are not your shirt logo,
you are not your video game character,
then what the hell are you?
i think you are what you leave behind,
what you make other people feel
you are what people say when you leave the room.
you are human
* thus ive created humor
* little snippets from what im seeing on tv.