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Nocturnal Sunshine

[ website | Killmonkeys.com ]
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(3 Beams | Shine on Me)

[24 Apr 2005|08:46pm]
bantam monkey....

(8 Beams | Shine on Me)

[03 Apr 2005|11:32am]
god of war, go buy it,
version one of the ps2 get one, hard drive 70 gigs, get one broadband ps2 adapter get one, never buy games again.
games to get god of war and grand turismo 4 ok true i dont have them yet but damn.

(2 Beams | Shine on Me)

[02 Apr 2005|02:21am]
im sorry for not being able to spill and tell everything that was in my head all of the time.
im sorry for the crazy ideas in my head about how things should have been how i should have acted.
at the moment i knew i was feeling wrong i was feeling not quite right i should called everything to a screaching halt. said something, anything to slow it down and look at it. but i couldnt and i was weak for that. drama kept entering the picture. stress kept creeping in. and i thought i could just hold out and keep going that things would smooth over. i really really tried no matter what people say or people think or how it looks on the outside i tried so damned hard. 24 hours a day i was thinking what am i doing wrong why dont i feel the way i used to what has changed what can i change to make it right what can i do to fix this and ill be damned fucked and ran the hell over if i couldnt think of a way to do it. therapy told me that i wasnt alone in feeling those feelings and that it took so damned much to not feel that way anymore. i felt i never was enough or the right thing for what you needed. i cooked i tried to clean i keep thing light and humorous when i could i tried to make it exciting and it wasnt enough. when i would take whatever shift to make sure we werent without income again thing were stressed beyond belief. when i couldnt talk or be there all day something happened, something i didnt know then but i had a suspicion about i found out way later that it did happen and when i think back thats when things really went bad, right around that time. i dont hate or have bad feelings for you. i regret how i handled the situation. i may have lost friends over how i had to handle things to keep myself sane and still able to take care of myself in some way. its too dark, too late/early and my heart is too heavy to even go into the friends thing right now.

(5 Beams | Shine on Me)

[02 Apr 2005|01:47am]
i dont write much anymore, on this, havent for quite some while
for along time i didnt have access to it, ive had access to it for a while but havent been able to bring myself to write anything i feel worth while.
fear makes you do lots of things, fear of what?
fear of doing the right thing, fear of not dissapointing people, keeping everybody happy.
fear of being alone or being wrong.
maybe lots of people out there can say they have never regretted or made a bad choice. i have a list of regrets a list of mistakes a list of good times and good things that i did do right. at times i cant think or recall which list has more on it. that could be a definition for life figuring out how to get that list balanced in the direction that makes you happy. towards the good things and good memories side or the mistakes and regrets side. for a long time if i made a mistake or something didnt go right i would simply try to learn and keep moving. force of nature, nothing can stop me from moving foward and being positive.
i had a point with that but it bothers me to keep going down that path.
skipping it...
i have diabetes, i cant take a day off from the disease. with all the things im thinking about and trying to take care of in a day that often times than none fell to the way side and didnt get taken care of like it should. i feel when i did miss a day or a dose or a pill that it went all to hell, i felt off phsyically mentally and that made me feel like a bad person for not being able to keep that up. its sucks and makes you feel like worst parts of an eating disorder and mental disorder rolled into one.
im non confrontational when given the chance. id rather figure it out and handle things in a better way
im a fixer, or at least i try to be. i want to fix things that i see wrong as best i can.
i try to adapt to things as they happen, be flexible and you cant be knocked down. if you work hard and do whats right be good to people and try to live right things will work out in the end. thats not true. not always. lessons learned??? somethings take work sometimes more work that is within you. you can reach in so hard and so deep and still come up short. your hard work and hard trying may not appear so to others. doing what you feel is right for you may not be what is right or good for other people. you cannot be a mountain all of time for people to lean on, sometimes you crumble.im too tired to write more stuff now, ill have to later. im handling eating better, planning things more and sticking to them no matter what, taking medicine no matter what, being more honest about what im feeling at times.
more later i guess

(4 Beams | Shine on Me)

[06 Feb 2005|12:41am]
im not going to post anything about all of the stuff thats happening right now (in lj land) in my journal.
somebody has to stop the public outburts of extreme emotion, blame, arguing, and name calling.
I don't have regular internet access, so I'll get to it when I can.
I will send out some emails to people involved.
I have sent some before and got not response. so please, if you are involved in this situation, check your email tomorrow night.
you will get yours. (and when i say get yours i mean you will get your email, i now know that i have to really clarify everything i say becase things get so misinterpreted)
Wookie! (what i meant when i say wookie, is a large hairy creature from the star wars galaxy, not a goat, monkey, or duck, a wookie)

(3 Beams | Shine on Me)

[13 Jan 2005|09:08pm]
they say that scent is the strongest sense tied to memory.
smelling fresh biscuits can transport you instantly back to the kitchen at grandmas.
perfume or soap can make you think of that special someone like that.

so where does sound fall? i mean i hear a song and im flipped back in time
i heard all n2gether now with method man and limp bizkit the other day and it really sent me back in time to years ago. it was cool and i think way faster than smell could have.

had two days of feeling really good at work. even though it was hard work
i think its because i had two days of feeling cute.
yeah i said it dammit, what i guy cant feel a little cute.

i get a bit of a walk and stuff on the way home.
that really helps cuz i can feel like extra muscle groups that got worked out a little more than usual.

made pasta the other night

i was tired of red sauce so i made a cream sauce,
bechamel is the name
really easy

i didnt measure but when i write it down i will.

make a roux, melt the butter and add the flour to it it will make like a paste, if it gets to dry add more butter, but it should be a little pasty. then add some seasoning i used oregano and basil since this was for a pasta sauce. cook it for a bit to get the flour cooked, otherwise it will taste really floury. the seasoning can help this, no salt yet cuz it will throw it off, i think it has somethign to with salt pulling out the moisture. warm some milk. i used the microwave, hey i didnt "cook" in it i just warmed it.
then add the milk in small amounts to the saucepan and whisk it in. once you get the amount you want you can add some cheese. i had some italian blend. oh well it was in the fridge. and whisk that in til it melts.

i served it with pasta and some meat i found.

that is all

(1 Beams | Shine on Me)

[13 Jan 2005|08:05pm]
drunk dwarves on tv
good lord!!!

(4 Beams | Shine on Me)

[13 Jan 2005|07:35pm]
which is better?

good man who does some bad things
bad man who does some good things

(3 Beams | Shine on Me)

weirdness [13 Jan 2005|07:27pm]
ran into weirdo on the bus, ok maybe not a weirdo lol.

so i was listening to my music, its very loud, ok ill admit it.
so this guy gets on
white guy, thin as a rail, he looks like white snoop dogg. already pretty funny.
so he walks by and can hear my music, stops, gives the head nod and then gives me a wave of his hand and says "yeah my nigga" i guess he heard the song, "i got five on it"
by the luniz


(3 Beams | Shine on Me)

[10 Jan 2005|08:44pm]
stuff magazine came in the mail.
what the hell????

(4 Beams | Shine on Me)

quick update, this week ill be better about i promise [10 Jan 2005|06:58pm]
week one was ok.
lots to get used to.
but its almost a different world with the Unix systems.

got a bigger monitor today its huge tantic.
lost my phone virginity today.
I ran around to people asking them
"do i look different?"
"no... why?"
"am i not glowing?"
"no...why kendrick?"
"i just lost my phone virginity, *giggle*"
"you got problems"

so we have three coffee pots in the coffee station on my floor
regular, strong, and decaf

so i had to rename the strong one "+1"
i thought it was funny, then somebody came through and named the decaf
"of enfeeblment"
so a geek of extreme geekness is on that floor.

(7 Beams | Shine on Me)

d@y 0ne1! [03 Jan 2005|06:58pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

new job started today

got there on time, early, before the receptionist.
wasnt sure of dress code, but i fit it perfectly.
ever have one of those days were you were like damn im hot, i was just looking for an excuse to have pictures taken. but i didnt get one, no picture id badges at this place.
the crew im working with is close to my age and are relaxed and chill people.
im pretty familiar with the programs, just not the methods they use here, will all be handled in a week or less.
made friends with HR rep, she is new and im her first new hire so im special i think. no more cube, its a desk a huge desk. with a special someone to share it with. Alabama, my computer. she is sexier than your computer i just know it. cuz she told me today with computer loving. *thrust*
they have a floor where people can smoke freely.
like at your desk
or in the bathroom, anywhere you want.
i dont smoke, but i still think its almost cool, that you can come to work and kill yourself.
17 inch flat screen, did i mention Alabama is teh sex.
learned about benefits today, with those given a value and then added to my salary, i fall out when i think of the amount i make.
im still a little confused with life.
i mean you may say, new job making some decient money, you should be happier. but thats just more confusing, lol I'm soaking it in, its still a little too much to believe considering they wouldnt hire me at starbucks.
thanks for reading this far. and lepra-mas is in the works.
coming to you this march.
kisses and hugs and man eating bugs to all my friends.

(2 Beams | Shine on Me)

brunch? [02 Jan 2005|09:58pm]
from the previous dinner,
the mixture of
egg plant, white kidney beans, onions brown rice,
garlic, oregano, rosemary plus bread crumbs and cayenne pepper formed into small cakes and then wrapped with one slice of bacon cut in half. cooked in a very tiny amount of canola oil.
browned on each side then topped with a little honey and jicama and carrot julienned (sp?) *the dictionary can kiss my butt* i call them sammy cakes.

had several layers of crispiness, the bacon, the rice from the cake, the carrot and the jicama all crispy. next time ill use a applewood smoked or another sweeter bacon to wrap it in.

hummus is just chick peas and sesame seeds mixed with lemon juice and olive oil.
chick peas are garbonzo beans. i didnt have any left today. so i used white kidney beans, walnuts, sesame seeds, some tahini olive oil, lemon juice, and a bit of white pepper.

tasted it very good, needed more oil because the kidney beans dried out very quickly

for later use.

(3 Beams | Shine on Me)

[31 Dec 2004|02:27pm]
roasted red pepper hummus
baby spinach and arugala salad with carrots, jicama smoked goat cheese
and a lemony peppery vinagrette
fresh green beans in with olive oil and crushed red pepper
cabbage rolls stuffed with brown rice, egg plant, white kidney beans and rosemary, with a pesto cream sauce

nobody died and it was a damned good meal.

for later records

(6 Beams | Shine on Me)

[29 Dec 2004|11:36am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

got the real call today.

offer was made,
i accepted and tried to play it cool
start jan. 3rd
less stress at this place
serious benefits/perks
overtime once a month, will be the shit when that check comes in
get paid every week rather than every other week, im used to that now, so it rocks.
they offered waaaaaay more than i was expecting.
over 3 dollars an hour more than what i was expecting.... XD
plans are coming together. so i feel good yet anxious.

people say do what makes you happy, make the decision that you will be happy with. i just feel that what they are really saying is "do what i want you to" "do what will make me happy". it takes some time to figure out what will make you happy.

more later people,
more later

(2 Beams | Shine on Me)

ive always said.... [27 Dec 2004|03:10pm]
rehab is for quitters:


but at least he did it himself.

(7 Beams | Shine on Me)

G-stoned..... [27 Dec 2004|03:01pm]
got the call back
they have begun the background check for the job
thats a good sign,
cuz companies dont want to pay for background checks and waste that money unless they are gonna hire somebody.

three days for the check to come back.
but im sure ill start after the beginning of the year

well lets see how it goes
looks like there will be a christmas after all, hmmmm how does march sound for christmas.

(4 Beams | Shine on Me)

blah blah blah goat knockers [27 Dec 2004|02:03pm]
interview went good i think,
they seemed to like me.
i showed my willingness to learn with a good trick ive picked up.
they asked me about the a background check which is a good sign.
its heavy unix and i assured them im not afraid of unix and ive used it before.

now the waiting for the results of round two begins.

cooked monte cristos the other night with left over christmas ham
before that i made potstickers a few times during the week
tonight im doing a stirfry with ham and veggies over rice

family is weird
other peoples families even more weird
but dammit, you gotta love them dont ya.

(2 Beams | Shine on Me)

[23 Dec 2004|12:18pm]
interview number 2 today.

update later

im hot today w00t

(5 Beams | Shine on Me)

number 1 in a series, kendrick. (while watching tv) [10 Dec 2004|05:00pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

feeling off today,
things take time and i know that,
and when you make decisions you stick by them no matter what,
i was told that i needed to do that from now on and im doing it as best i can. its better for me and all invloved, i KNOW that.
its hard stuff and spending alot of time thinking to myself about myself, makes for weird thoughts.
ones own mind is a scary place at times.

i used to be a different person, thats easy to say, lots of people have changed and continue changing everyday. none of us are the same people we were last year, last week, yesterday. little changes may not be noticeable but they happen. we are not better or worse for these changes for the most part. we are just different.

i got some shit happening in my life, on a day to day basis im at a good point in my life and sometimes im not. i think about things ive done, should have done, did badly, did right, the good times, the bad times the times that unless i try really hard ive forgotten about. the people ive met, will meet, the ones i know, the ones i used to know the ones i want to know better, the ones i keep knowing the ones i want to forget the ones i get along with and the ones i dont see eye to eye with.

im a confused person. and thats not a normal thing for me.
i plot stuff out for the most part. i see the goal i see the start and i fill in the parts in the middle. when it falls apart i really try to recover and keep going. ive always thought that life is not so much what you do, but how you react to what happens to you.

* Should i wipe my ass with a rake?

people are there for help sometimes, this is true but as much as i like, love, enjoy being around and with people i for the life of me cringe at the thought of asking for help in the big issues of my life.

friends, 3 am in the morning you get a phone call and somebody says "i think i killed her" you recognize it as your friend. you say "calm down, now where we gonna hide the body"
ive thought that about my friends. yeah its a little exaggerating but im damn close, i really cherish being able to help my friends out. i mean jail is extreme, because i like the fact my butt hasnt been penetrated. you get two families in this life, the one you are born with and the ones you choose. i choose my friends and i have a lot of them. ive neglected you for a while because i wanted to get myself and my things taken care of. ive cut down to a small amount of friends to deal with during this. thats kind of bad, and so im reaching back out slowly to catch up to people. its hard, its awkward but im trying.

love, love is strange and mysterious and is powerful enough to do strange things to us. inside and out. it can talk to us at night and keep us awake. its been known to cause people to not eat, vision problems, headaches, leg aches every other ache in every other part of the body. now granted these are symptoms of alot of things, depression, ADD, uncontrollable falling down syndrome. but love does its share of causing these symptoms. loosing love i guess can have the same affect on a person. strange huh. how much love is enough, what kinds of love are there. is there too much love, that sounds like crap that cant be right.

fun, lots of things i do for fun. i game, tabletop and video games, made up games with the no good hound dog of mine. television and movies, music, which is one of my main escapes in my times of mess.
im playing games during the day because that cuts down on thinking about problems. i dont want to forget it all, i just want a sollution to come easier. one that will satisfy all sides.
that may not happen or be possible.

* physically you seem weak

happiness, im looking for, striving for, fighting for happiness. what is it? have i ever had it. i look back, forward and all around me and i see things that have made, are making will continue to make me happy. im greatful for those things. im sometimes surprised at what they are and where i find them.
but they exist and im glad things can make me happy. my happy level is ever changing. it hasnt been at the extreme limit for quite sometime. but it never goes negative or to a point where im done with it all.
ive spent alot of my life making and trying to make others happy. to hang out with kendrick is to have a good time to talk to him is to laugh til your stomach hurts. to feel better about your problems because he will offer advice and listen to you complain. why do this? does hearing other peoples problems really make somebody happy?
probably not, so again, why do it? it makes me happy for the most part to help people or to see people happy. its a dangerous prospect, therapist have been known to burnout after hearing so many problems and things from people. they quite often have their own therapists to help them out with the stress of it all.

* I want a pet singing lizard.

i used to get up for work in the morning as soon as the alarm went off. a few minutes before actually. id lay there and go over the day in my head, how i was getting to work, what i was having for breakfast.
lunch, what i was gonna learn today on the internet, what i was reading on lunch, what i was having for dinner what i was gonna..BEEP BEEP BEEP, alarm was off and i was up. im not a morning person, im a "get up and get awake cuz youre gonna have to do it anyway" person. so i get up and get into my mood. im not the same person back them im different and those thoughts and routines arent part of the day. i know that and dont mind it all. i mind that somedays i feel awkward and dont feel like getting up. cuz i didnt used to be like that.

* are you a cyborg?

its not to the point where i can never do anything or never get out of bed or get on with life. so im ok i think.
its about time to end the post.

ive said some rambling stuff, was anything accomlpished? was anything resolved. who knows. maybe maybe not, i cant for sure say my damned self.

i think this post is for me only.
its public, im not turning off comments, but i probably wont read any till after the next post i make at least.

you are not your job,
you are not your computer,
you are not your shoesize,
you are not your shirt logo,
you are not your video game character,
then what the hell are you?
i think you are what you leave behind,
what you make other people feel
you are what people say when you leave the room.
you are human

* thus ive created humor

* little snippets from what im seeing on tv.

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